Daniel, Kieran & Scott.

If you’re anything like me, sometimes you just need to listen to some angsty feminist music to remind you that you don’t need no man!

If you’ve done this within the last six months then you’ve probably listened to Dua Lipa – New Rules (it’s a belter of a tune). This week, I’ve decided to explore each of her ‘rules’ and share times that I’ve broken them – much to my own annoyance.

[apologies to those of you that saw three names and thought this post was about an orgy]

Firstly, let’s have a refresher of what Dua has to say…

One, don’t pick up the phone, You know he’s only calling ’cause he’s drunk and alone…

Daniel was a very good looking guy, in fact, he was a model, which is great until you realise he was a total ass-hat. Basically, Daniel’s main goal in life was to sleep with as many women as possible, and for a couple of months, ~I was one of those women. The thing was, he would always send the same message at like 3am (he worked at a local nightclub and would often swing by on the way home – classy right?) and looking back, I don’t know why I thought it was so charming…it wasn’t. It’s actually kind of insulting.

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The part of the story that gets funnier, is that Daniel didn’t just want to sleep with me, he wanted to sleep with my two best friends. One evening we’d been at the cinema to see Suffragette -so we were feeling extra empowered- anyway…all three of us checked our phones after the film and had the same “You busy?” message. We agreed that this guy needed bringing down a peg or two…

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Don’t mess with us.

Two, don’t let him in, you have to kick him out again…

Ok, this is less about letting someone in, more about the kicking him out part. Basically, I’d met Kieran on an night out, and for some reason I thought it was a good idea to bring him back to my house…needless to say, in the morning I rolled over and was filled with instant regret. The problem? He wouldn’t get out of my house!

Not to worry, I was fine. My flatmate at the time and I had a system. All it took was a single text. What followed was a perfectly executed routine that had taken hours of discussion. My flatmate was prepped and ready. She knocked on the door to my room and shouted through to the other side… “Lauren, your Dad just rang me, he said he couldn’t get hold of you, but he’s just off the motorway, he’ll be here in 15!”. Honestly, I’ve never see a guy move so fast. Ok, so it was a pretty cheap shot, but it got rid of him quickly. I’d seriously recommend this technique if you ever want to lose a guy in 10 seconds.

Three, don’t be his friend, you know you’re gonna wake up in his bed in the morning.

So I get that this line is about being friends with an ex and how it never works…but for some reason my ex’s never seem to stay in touch, so I can’t really relate. I can however, relate to why sleeping with a friend never works. Scott was my best friend for a long time and I don’t really know how this happened, but we got in to a pattern of going home together on nights out. In the morning, we’d act like nothing had happened. When we were sober we’d hang out as  friends pals, but as soon as alcohol was involved, we’d just gravitate towards each other, probably because we knew it was an easy option.

Neither of us every really caught feelings, but it definitely spoiled our friendship because other people started to assume we were a couple. We distanced ourselves from each other so much that we eventually stopped talking. He worked in the Pizza Hut opposite my old flat for a while…which was really awkward. To go from being best friends with someone, to sleeping with them, to not speaking at all. It also means I panicked ordered a pizza one time out of awkwardness and ended up with pineapple on a pizza…so basically, sleeping with my best friend ruined my life, and my pizza.

Forgive me Dua, for I have sinned.

grace-davey-gracedavey13-dua-lipa-would-be-extremely-fucking-disappointed-28905911

xxx

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